Don't have too much to say tonight... Two main topics...

First, spring break!!! By this time tomorrow I will be in the Twin Cities visiting the coolest guy at University of Minnesota! Joe and I will leave Muktown tomorrow around 5pm, heading out to Whitewater to pick up Katy B., and then we're off! Our good buddy Scoot (no, that's not a typo.. we call him Scoot.. or Scootie or Scoot-scoot-la-boot) is planning on being very hospitable and I'm totally looking forward to it! It will be a great weekend. I will be home Sunday at some point... And then a couple days later, it's up to Plover, WI for a short visit to Zack's house with Zack, Bre, Graham, and Matt. And THEN, my mom gets back from Nicaragua on Thursday the 6th!!!!! I can't wait :) :) :) For those of you who are ease continue to pray for her trip, their awesome work and ministry there, and for safe return. (And, if you aren't praying, then get going!)

Second topic... A blog entry you MUST read.. Especially if you're a female... Jessica Keller This girl is amazing... Jess, you are a blessing, in the fullest sense of the word.

OK, well goodnight kids.... Got lotsa stuff to do... I'm going home in about 16 hours!!!!! :o)

Wish that I could fly away... Sing it, Norah... you’re singing my song tonight. The artist: Norah Jones. The album: Come Away With Me. It would be in your best interest to acquire this one, folks. It's excellent stuff...

Moving on... In my thoughts today is a quote from Runaway Bride... Richard Gere (Ike) says of Julia Roberts's character (Maggie), "The S.S. Maggie leaves quite a wake!" Ouch. Truth hurts. Maggie is left momentarily speechless, wondering if what he's implying is actually true. His statement got to me as well... I fear that the S.S. Stephanie has created similar destruction. While I certainly haven't run away from the altar like Maggie, I've definitely left some wounded hearts behind. Not at all intentionally, mind you, but still... How much of it could I have prevented? That question haunts me... For someone who so desperately hates to hurt people, I sure have done my share of it. And, let’s not forget, that’s not to say that my heart is totally intact. I’ve taken an emotional beating or two (or twenty!).

So what is the deal with all these rollercoasters that we ride? Why do we put ourselves through such ordeals? Is it because the possibility of success is worth the risk? I suppose I’ve felt that way before. Now I’m not so sure. Turns out I’m not really sure of anything these days (or weeks... months even?) For a compulsive list-maker, planner, and organizer such as myself, this is absolute torture. I know that God will complete this work He’s doing in me... He will carry it on to completion so that His good, pleasing, and perfect will is done. I can’t wait until that day... I sure hope I'm not messing things up too much along the way until that day comes!

Anyway, I guess that's it for tonight... Two more days and then it's FINALLY spring break! Beautiful... simply beautiful... Goodnight kids... and though it goes without saying, I'll say it anyway: keep on keepin' on!

The following was printed on the back of one of those "Prayer @ Trinity" things that we get every now and then... Normally I don't pay too much attention to these fliers, but I found this little write-up to be more than worth reproducing for you...

Kiss Me by Zach Kincaid

Snow White's prince risked that a kiss would awaken death so love might have new life. Ask any groom and each understands the weight of commitment as he kisses his bride on the high altar. Children may perceive kisses best. A boy takes hold of his father's hand and with pure inquiry asks, "Broke, daddy?" as he points to a scratch. The child proceeds to mark it with a kiss--sealed, healed, made new. "All better now," the boys says and runs away to play with life. How often do parents return those kisses for bumped heads, hurt fingers, or skinned knees? Children understand how to give and receive the kingdom of God, the embrace of love.

Abuse or neglect a kiss and you lose the mystery, the marriage, the innocence that God's kingdom requires. Judas lost it. Like Esau who gave up his birthright by trifling stew, Judas relinquished all intimacy for a payoff. He had come to hold a kiss as trite.

Jesus began to die with Judas' empty gesture. It brought the sun down to kiss the angry torches of a misplaced mob who carried away the great lover. The same creatures would use their lips to curse and spit at the Creator who stumbled off, kissing the ground with every fall and clasping the sky as he looked for relief. His body curled around the driven nails that held him against the wood in a contorted last kiss of life.

Who have you kissed? Judas' abhorrent endearment ushered in our bleeding redemption. But the Christ that was kissed off still waits; while we are a long way off, he sees us coming and is filled with compassion. He plans a run for us, to throw his arms and kiss us all the way to his kingdom. By a kiss he died, by a kiss he invites life. Remember that before Judas' betrayal, a "lowly" woman could not stop kissing the feet of the man who embodied good news for sinners. Though the disciples desired to stop her, Jesus welcomed her innocence and worship. May we be found with this redeemed prostitute, and not the betrayer who attempted to make Jesus in his image, could not, so he bought a kiss to kill him off.

Forbidden fruit. What is it about something that's forbidden that makes it so desirable?! It all began with fruit, literally, when Eve ate that stupid piece of fruit that she was specifically told not to eat. And then Adam meanders by --probably wanting sex-- so when Eve offers him the fruit, he eats it too. Idiots... both of them... Anyway! So, because of original sin, this idea/concept of forbidden fruit has symbolically grown by leaps and bounds, spilling over into all areas of life's activities.

So that's what was consuming my thoughts today...(Obviously I'm not talking about literal fruit here, folks. Let's get figurative, ok?!) I won’t go into detail except to say I have one piece of fruit that is definitely forbidden and it has decided to dangle itself in front of me oh so recently which is rather annoying. Mostly because I can’t figure out why it’s so freakin’ desirable. It’s an obvious no-no and even if it were available, it’s probably not feasible anyway. Make sense? I hope not, cuz I really have no desire to share it with you guys (no offense, of course)… I just want to vent and voice frustrations in hopes that it will help me figure things out!

Anyway, I'm done for now... As usual, homework calls! Oh yeah, and it's SPA NIGHT! So I've got a massage comin' to me :)

Just to let you know in advance, I don't have a profound, awe-inspiring blog for you tonight... Sorry! Today was a busy day... Chapel, lunch, class, class, "interview" with Randy (haha), dinner, and then night class. I have so much work to do, so much to remember... it was totally freaking me out today. I made a little "calendar" listing all the projects, tests, papers, and quizzes that we have in all 5 classes and when they're due and stuff. Hopefully that will serve to give me a better perspective as far as when I need to be working on what. So, besides the mental battles I have going on with school and other issues, to top it all off I think I'm starting to get sick... I haven't been sleeping well lately, and today I've been coughing a lot. It hurts... But you know what, it's all good because in just a few more days I get to go HOME and everything will be wonderful!!! :)

Ok, it's homework time... Goodnight kids :)

OK, I have two things to say today... Well, I said plenty already this morning... But now I have two more.

First of all, the chapel speaker this morning was awesome and I'm so glad I went (instead of the alternative, which would be sleeping in till 11:00). One thing that he said just about knocked me out of my chair... He said that when we get to Heaven, God will say to us, "Well done, My good and faithful servant." Servant is the key word there. He won't say "My good first grade teacher" or "My faithful Bible reader" or "loyal soldier" or "excellent student" or anything else you can think of. He says, My good and faithful servant, because that is what He truly desires us to be. His servant... And when we serve OTHERS, we are also serving Him. "That which you do for the least of these, you do for Me." That is so key. It totally made me think about the goals I have for myself-- who/what I am and who/what I want to become. I want to truly love others and faithfully, selflessly serve them. Travis wrote an excellent blog on love today... Check it out...

My second thought for the day... OK, I mentioned a few blogs ago, this song that I have been listening to constantly lately... It's called "Protest to Praise" by Downhere. I just want to post some of the lyrics and my thoughts on them... For those of you who, like me, are really affected by music and lyrics that relate to you--this is good stuff.

I knew the times would come,
and now the times have landed--
With stinging abrasion.
As ready as I seem to be,
It's never like I planned it...

(pre-chorus)
I'm wrestling my thoughts, I'm overcome...
Would you give me up? I'm asking Lord!
There's nowhere I sense Your presence here!
So I will cry out, until I go...

(chorus)
...from Protest to Praise!
You're always amazing me!
You're changing me slow, but surely,
And You're gonna see me to the end.

How long will I be forgotten by You forever?
Cause You're not making sense here...
It seems like eternity has made a home between us

(pre-chorus)
(chorus)

This song just rocks... When you just feel ignored and neglected by God, like no matter how hard you try, you can't find Him.. This song speaks of having faith... It's saying God, I can't hear You... What are you trying to do here?! How long will this go on?!... I am going to keep bugging You about this until You answer me--because I KNOW You will! You are taking me through something I don't like, but I will go through it until I come out praising you on the other end! Wow... Yeah.. If anyone wants a copy of the song or the whole CD, let me know. There's several other songs that carry equally incredible blessings...

OK, now I have to get down to business. Enjoy the weekend, kids!

Ponder this for a moment...
Why are you friends with me?
Why do you like me as a person?
What qualities/characteristics do I have that are attractive to you?
What qualities make you want to be my friend?
Just think about your answers to these questions...

My dear readers, please, if you have ever trusted me on anything, let this top them all and hit you hard right at the core...

Anything that is good in me is there because of the Lord. It was put there by Him, and is sustained by Him and Him alone.

Think about that for a second... Please believe it to be true, because let me tell you - if God hadn't captured me into the freedom of His Kingdom, I don't even know where I'd be. I can tell you for sure that I'd at least be a selflish, manipulative, trashy little bitch. I want ALL of you to know the truth about any and all of the good things that you may see in me. You are seeing reflections of Jesus. He has given me the fruits of His Spirit... gifts that shine through me as a reflection of His character... A character that I try to imitate each day.

Sadly, though, I often fail to emulate Him as I should. My flesh gets in the way. That's when you see my flaws.. jealousy, deceitfulness, judgment, impurity..the list goes on... Just know that I cannot take any credit for the good parts of me... It's killing me that I am put on a pedestal sometimes, because I simply don't deserve to be... Because all that I am is filthy rags. The good stuff was just given to me...

To love me is to love my Savior. You can't have me without Him. Because He is in me... He is the core of me - all that I am and all that I want to be. And YOU can have these same blessings every day--to use in every situation and facet of life! The infinite joy, the peace that transcends all understanding, the boundless love... He has those and an armful more, just read to toss 'em your way! Trust Him, Love Him. Consider what it means to do that... Ask Him, and it's all yours!

I'm sorry... in it's deepest of meanings, that's all I can say.

Clarity... why does it come to me at the most inopportune times?! Don't get me wrong... I'm always thankful when I'm brought out of the dark... But in this particular instance, it would've been pretty handy to me about 15 minutes earlier. Who knows... Perhaps I needed to be out of the presence of any source of pressure in order for the clarity to come... (I know that the pressure was not in any way intentional... apparently it was beyond both our control) Basically, what happened was five minutes upon entering my room, WHAM!, there it was. The answer. My thoughts all fell in place and I knew what it was I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. Yup, five minutes too late. Perfect.

Strange how it all seems so simple now. Dang, the Lord works in freakin' mysterious ways... And I'm certainly in no place to be questioning Him, so I won't even bother. I just wish I could finish wading through all the confusing crap and finally be on the other side of the river.

So, now I owe a certain someone another conversation in which I explain the infinite fathoms of my inner workings... Or something else profound like that :o) Here goes!....

Today was a loooooooong day, but I've been in a great mood all day! I don't feel like going into anything deep or profound because I already spent an hour today writing a "deep" letter... (And don't worry, you (you know who you are) will get it soon!)

Let's just go through some highlights from today...

*Woke up after exactly 6 hours of sleep feeling wide awake and strangely refreshed! I wonder if there really is something to that theory about sleeping in intervals of 3 hours...
*8:00 art class... We did the classic el. ed. stuff-- made projects with construction paper, scissors, glue, and markers... What more can you ask for?!
*Chapel.. Surprisingly good service. Dr. Waybright spoke from John 14... Really good stuff.
*A totally random, came-from-out-of-nowhere compliment was given to me by an even more random, unlikely person... and it absolutely made my day... no, actually, it'll probably carry me for the next month or so!
*Got some great new ideas and resources for school stuff... including a subscription to a teacher's magazine... It makes me so much more excited to start teaching!!!
*Became somewhat slap-happy during reading... Fun times!
*Toni Carmichael spoke in science-- hilarious woman! She spoke so lovingly about her husband (our regular professor for the class), which was adorable. AND, she clapped loudly and yelled "Wake up!!!" at Eric :)
*Was very entertained by Allison... first with, "Steph... I think the alligator is looking at me!" and then next when she lurched down in fear that the owl would think her hair was a nest!
*I DIDN'T lose the paper airplane flying contest! Heidi cracked me up as she took a running start before her launch... AND, I then watched Eric get nailed by Heidi's airplane :)
*And now it's 7:30 and I have the night to myself, the room to myself, and...well, yeah, I have a lot of work to do. But hey, I only have one class left this week... So no pressure :)
*Several times today I was reminded of the cool, cool people that are in junior block with me... I love it!!!!

Goodnight kids... Keep on keepin' on!

I sometimes wish that I didn't know who read this.. I'm sure there's a whole bunch of you reading this that I don't know about and no matter how much I ask you to sign the guestbook, you still won't humor me! Oh well, perhaps you're doing me a favor.. (Yeah, doing me a favor while also robbing me of the joy I get from discovering new guestbook entries... Thanks...) But, anyway, I do know who does read this regularly, and that knowledge often forces me to censor what I write. That sucks. I initially started this blog as a dumping ground for all the crap that I just wanted to get out. And not always just the crap, but I wanted to share the happy stuff as well. Since that day back in November, I have, at times, written TO my readers. But at times, like right now, I just want to write for no one. I want to write into the void. I want to whine and complain without anyone knowing about it so that I can go on seeming like a strong, patient, well-adjusted young woman. Haha, and for the most part, I am. But I'm not feeling like it right now!

It's going to be a long, busy week. And to add to that stress is the wonderful blessing [said extremely sarcastically with immense distaste] that comes with being a woman. Whatever it is inside of me that is cramping up like it is--uterus, ovaries, whatever--it's freakin' killing me. It's really hard sitting in class for 4 hours listening to Tom Kehn or Alyson Bass talk about social studies or reading when all I want to do is lie on the floor in the fetal position!!! And, of course, Murphy's law would have it no other way than to only allow my Ibuprofen to kick in after class. Yeah, thanks. Enough said, I think.

Thankfully, today is almost over. It's almost 4:30, which means I have an hour to get a bit of work done and relax before dinner. Then *deep breath* night class. Math methods with Nadeen. I hope she goes easy on us tonight. I don't know how much I can take! Plus, with Monday nights comes Bible study. Do I go, 9:30-11, and get chapel credit? Or do I just go to bed? (ahhhhh, bed... fetal position... yeahhhhhh...) Ugh, tough decision! The jury is still out. I'll be sure and let you know.

Switching gears... Actually, no. Nevermind. Don't wanna go there. :) (Don't ya love it when people do that?!) I'm gonna stop now instead. Hopefully you'll all have a new blog to look forward to reading. David Cowser has one in the making... I'm gonna help him get it going tomorrow night! Should be good stuff... Until then, adios kids!

These past two days have been very interesting... Let's do a rundown...

As a whole, Friday night was good stuff. I spent the whole night by myself which was absolutely wonderful. I'm not even joking, it was so nice to just be by myself, with my thoughts, and doing stuff for myself. I went to the mall and walked around. I got 2 pairs of pants and a shirt at Delia's cuz they were having a 'buy one get two free sale'...so that was a definite score. (One little bad thing: at the mall, my phone just conked out. I don't know what happened, but it just shut off and I couldn't get it to turn back on). And then I went to Dominick's and bought some Hot Pockets, a ready-made salad, and a bag of my favorite chips ever: the lime-flavored Tostitos. Then I went to Blockbuster and rented 2 movies. Plus to top the night off, I had a fun phone conversation with my dad. He's so great. So, mostly that night was good stuff. The bad stuff was when my roomie got back from her night with Brandon.. We had very little interaction until she was just about to leave for the ski trip that I had opted out of. Stephanie, though you denied it multiple times, I know you were upset (if not mad) and I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know what to say except this was the best thing for me and I'm very glad I stayed home.

I was up late last night, till 2:30ish.. watching my movies and reading and whatnot. I slept in today, which was beautiful. I love sleeping until I just wake up naturally. Great feeling. I got up and went to the AT&T Wireless store to get my phone fixed. The cool lady there got it turned back on for me and said if I came back sometime this week, when they got a new shipment of batteries in, she'd swap it for a new one for me. (Cuz apparently shortly after I'd bought my phone, Nokia started making my model of phones with newer, better batteries.) So that was a bonus! I talked to my mom on the phone the whole ride home. She's hilarious, not to mention the most wonderful woman ever :) Anyway, then I came back here, showered, etc. Did some homework. I got ready and went on my "date". We had a good time, even though he showed up late! Apparently he had decided to take a little nap beforehand and overslept. It's alright though--he redeemed himself by providing good conversation and making me laugh quite a few times (and obviously buying me dinner). I don't know if I want there to be a second date or not, we'll see. Anyway, now I'm back here getting ready to watch a movie and do homework.

As much as I've seriously enjoyed having some alone time this weekend, I'm ready to join the land of the living again! I miss my roomie..in more ways than one.. We need some serious roommate bonding time. It's been lacking for quite awhile. It really hurts feeling so disconnected from her. Perhaps I react by keeping myself at a distance as well. I'm not sure...
Travis made me laugh today by popping in several times and at random times. Sorry Travis, as unpredictable as you'd like to be, who else would knock and run away, knock and run away, and knock and run away?! :)
And Katie, it was fun hearing your sweet voice telling me about your very interesting evening! Congratulations on getting asked out by a strange man in a kilt!!! That's gotta be exciting!
Justin, we need to have some chill time again soon. (my fruit punch is still in your refrigerator! :) haha) It's seems like you've been gone for a long time... a not-fun break in our recent patterns of daily interaction. I know you're having a good time with Jason though.
It was good to talk to Brad again today. Poor guy sounds like crap though :) Sleep, man, sleep and keep sleeping! It'll do ya good.
David, I hope Timber-lee was a blast this weekend. Good luck on catching up on homework. It definitely wasn't interesting reading, sorry man!

Wow, I just love my friends so much.. and my family too. I am so lucky.. and again, I don't like to say luck because I don't believe in luck. But you know what I mean :) Each and every one of you (including those I haven't mentioned--you have to know who you are) totally mean the world to me and please don't ever doubt that for one second. I don't know what I'd do without you.

PRAISE GOD, the beastly Hyperstudio project is over and done with! After 7 hours in the computer lab, I left actually feeling good about the final product! You’d think that sitting in one room for 7 hours would drive one mad, but I actually had fun. There were quite a few of us junior-blockers in there and we made sure to keep each other entertained. A special thanks to Mr. Cowser for being my mac lab buddy - making me laugh, keeping me motivated, and helping me out when I needed it. You rock!

And now today is Single Awareness Day! I’m breaking my own tradition today—I’m not wearing black. I didn’t go to the other extreme by wearing red or pink either. I decided on a happy medium: yellow. This doesn’t symbolize any sort of fear or weakness, mind you, as the color yellow often does. But rather it stands for something bright and cheerful... happiness. I’m happy! I don’t mourn this day (not that I celebrate it either), because I am happy with my current station in life. I’m content with the season that God has me in right now. I had a realization a few days ago that I have to publicly admit - if I want to be honest with myself, which I do. My realization was this: I don’t want to be in a relationship right now. (For those of you who know me best, this is huge.) Don’t get me wrong: everything womanly and feminine in me desires to love and be loved. That will never change. But the logical, realistic, rational side of me doesn’t want that commitment just yet. Frankly, I don’t want to have to make time for someone else right now! I have so much going on, I want to be able to put my time into doing my best during this junior block. (“Personal Best” – it’s one of the LifeLong Guidelines! Hahaha) Who knows what next semester, or even this summer, has for me—but for now, it’s all about the singleness! The only man I’m concerned about spending time with these days is my God! :)

I recently acquired a CD by a group called Downhere. I’ve been obsessed with a couple of their songs for awhile now (I believe I blogged about them), but had never listened to the whole album. Wow, it’s really good... Especially lyrically. There’s one song that’s really hitting me right now, it’s called “Protest to Praise.” The chorus goes like this:

From protest to praise,
You’re always amazing me.
You’re changing me slow but surely,
And You’re gonna see me to the end!

That is a common theme in my life: going from protest to praise. I, with my feeble human mind, often go to the Lord in protest for the things in my life that I don’t like—as if I know better! But I always, always end up praising Him for the results—because His ways are always best! Wow, He is so patient with me, I’m SO blessed. Praise You God, I could never thank You enough! (It’s a good thing I have from now until eternity to try!)

OK, so I'm supposed to be doing hardcore homework right now, but I just have to pause for a few minutes to blog this...

My schedule is incredibly busy, obviously. As if classes, observations, and work aren't enough--combine those three and I spend that much time on homework and studying as well. (Ok, well not quite, but homework/studying definitely seems to fill all of my free time.) So yes, I'm busy. I have two away messages that will probably be used most often for the rest of the semester... "Homework... So, though I'd totally love to talk to you, I can't. Leave some love :)" and "I'm here, but not available for conversation. Thanks :)"

I just have to tell you guys that those little "rules" aren't set in stone. I want to plead with you all-- (and Joe, I'm writing this with you in mind as it seems I always have to cut our conversations short, but this still holds for all of you who are reading this and then some) --if you need to talk to me or there's something particular on your mind or you are looking for advice or prayer or whatever--please tell me so. Call me, IM me, whatever... I will drop what I'm doing and give you my attention. Those "I'm busy" away messages are just to avoid casual conversation that can be saved for later. Please don't ever think I'm too busy to be there for you when you need me. Believe it or not, my friends' problems, cares, and concerns DO take priority over my homework!!! Especially if I'm able to help in some way!
I love you all so dearly... You come in at a close second (after my God!) to being the reason I wake up every morning.

If these past two days were any indication of how the rest of my semester will go, then, wow... Well, not only Lord help me, but Lord help you all as well! I must ask you in advance to forgive me for my bad moods, poor attitudes, and overall rudeness. Please know that it is NOT you, it's just the beast that is junior block. I think junior block and I will have a love/hate relationship... Because I definitely LOVE being in Ms. Choi's first grade classroom, but I will not be enjoying all the work that I have to do in classes here.

On a different note, it's funny-- just as I was complaining about my extreme busy-ness to a friend last night, I got an email that had this one simple sentence: "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." Talk about being humbled. I'm so thankful that He is unceasingly patient with me!

During church this morning, I was seriously inspired with some great stuff to put in here... Let's hope I can conjure it all up again...

I was thinking about some issues I'm having with a friend right now, and weighing the pros and cons between how I want to react and how I should react. I was getting so frustrated at the different advice that I get from various people and wondering why I just couldn't figure out what God wanted me to do. I turned to Matthew 7:7-8 and read: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Then it hit me. I really dislike this passage. In fact, each time I read it, it makes me angry. (Lord, forgive me for speaking out against Your Word, but You know my heart and that it is only frustration caused by my human limitations.) The reason I dislike it so much is because it feels like all I ever do is ask (or plead), seek (a desperate search), and knock (more like pound)--but I rarely find any sort of answer. My dad once told me that the Lord always answers prayer in one of three ways: Yes, No, or Wait. Well, if this is the case, from what I can tell, I'm always hearing "Wait."

So, I was sitting there in church contemplating this passage (Sorry, but no, I was not really paying attention to the sermon at this point.) I decided to read further and what really hit me was verse 12... "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." Wow.... Ok... That answered my question. How do I respond to these issues with this friend? Do what I would want done to me. Dang... I looked at the footnotes for this verse and part of it reads "The Golden Rule as Jesus formulated it is the foundation of active goodness and mercy--the kind of love God shows to us every day." I'm a Christian, which means that I want to become more like Christ, right? So my answer is to show love and mercy like Jesus did. No matter how difficult it may be for me, it's the right thing to do.

After reading these footnotes, I decided to read the ones for verses 7 and 8... "Jesus tells us to persist in pursuing God.... Knowing God takes faith, focus, and follow-through, and Jesus assures us we will be rewarded. Don't give up in your efforts to seek God and His answers. Continue to ask Him for more knowledge, patience, wisdom, love, and understanding. He will give them to you." Wow, that last part [emphasis mine] totally smacked me in the face. Instead of asking God how I should act, I should be asking for the tools to equip me to be Christ-like--and the appropriate actions will naturally flow from there.

Ahhhh, to be so gently yet firmly corrected. What a joy.

I posted last night, but deleted it today. It was just lame and forced. I was in a totally deep and profound mood, but just couldn't manage to put it all into words. Today my away message says "I think now is a good time to move out of reality and into my own little fantasty world." That's what I'd like to do. For a month at least. Just get out of here and do something else for awhile. Something that doesn't concern my future or anything else "grown up" like that. So many random thoughts and issues flying through my head... I feel like spilling them, but don't even know how I'd begin to organize them... Ah well... I will take refuge in the shadow of Your wings until this disaster has passed. (Psalm 57:1) OK, I have a buttload of homework I could be doing, so how about I go be productive, eh? Maybe I'll post more later.

It's absolutely amazing... the times and places that God chooses to speak to me and reveal Himself to me and provide for me in the most seemingly insignificant ways... My experience this evening: Chevelle concert - in a bar - packed like sardines amongst multitudes of drunk, sweaty men - music so loud you can barely hear yourself think - tripping over beer bottles - fearing for your life as the mosh pit slams only a few feet away... This was the scene where God decided to show up in my heart and mind tonight.

First of all, His provisions were abundant. I, being the 5'4" little thing that I am, ended up stuck behind 3 brick walls--one of them whose neck was bigger than his head. So, needless to say, I couldn't see a thing (to begin with). However, these 3 brick walls came in handy when the mosh pit was just a few feet in front of me and these 3 guys didn't budge. (A great thanks must be extended to Josh and Travis as well... They did their best to protect me... Josh tried to widen his stance to form a barrier around me, and anytime I moved even slightly Travis was ready to catch me :) Thanks guys) Another form of provision-- though it may not seem like a big deal, it really was to me... First, an analogy--you know when you go to watch a high school basketball game or choir performance--you always look for your friends, right? And they are your main focus during the show. Well, that's how it was tonight. I really just wanted to watch Joe, because I've never seen him perform live before and well, because he's my friend! (For those of you who don't know, Joe plays bass for Chevelle, which is comprised of he and two of his brothers Pete (lead) and Sam (drums).) Well, God's provision was during at least 95% of the show, there seemed to be a direct path through the crowd, putting Joe directly in my narrow field of vision. That definitely made me happy.

Next, onto the revelation of Himself to me. I've been fighting a few internal battles lately regarding various issues. I had a great talk with Jen tonight (once again she has proved her role as my mom away from home) and she gave me some great insight on a lot of things. But as I was watching and listening to Chevelle, God was just bringing such clarity and peace to my mind on so many of the things that have been confusing me in the past few weeks. Also, there's one particular thing that He spoke to me as clear as day...

For a little background info first-- those of you who know me well know these two things about me: 1) I can't wait to find "the one" and get on the road heading towards marriage, 2) I have a totally awesome dad. Though these two things may seem unrelated, they really are not. In my opinion, my father fulfills the roles of husband and father (just to name two) like no man I have ever seen. He's about as close to earthly perfection as you can get. So, naturally, I have always said that I want to find a husband just like my dad... Well, that is a great desire to have, but it's also kind of ruined me because it is rare to find a twenty-something young man who can compare with the forty-something maturity of my father. Obviously, I realize that it took my dad years and years to reach this level of wisdom, maturity, and experience. So my dilemma is this: How do I know what's okay to overlook for now? And what things must I stand firm on requiring of a potential mate? It's impossible to know what the future holds. And I DON'T want to go into a relationship with plans to/hopes of changing "him". So where does that leave me? I have no idea.

Well, this is what God spoke to me tonight... A man of character. Despite any flaws, shortcomings, bad habits, etc... I must require that he (meaning, of course, "the one") be a man of character. I cannot even express to you how many questions that answered, worries it eliminated, and burdens it lifted. I will continue to pray over this and seek to find more about the meaning of such a phrase. But in the meantime, it's good stuff. I will sleep well tonight. Praise the Lord :)

Goodnight kids, God bless and keep on keepin' on!

Yay!!! I have a DVD player now! I have officially joined the rest of the technological world. :) It's actually a DVD/VHS combo... I've heard that that's not always the best way to go, but hey, I have quite a few treasured VHS tapes and I don't have my own VCR, so for me it's the best way to go. Plus, of the total $195 that I spent (unit, cables, and 2 year warranty), less than a third of that was actually my hard-earned dough---the rest was birthday money. So I'm very satisfied. Though I've thanked him a few times, I want to send out a public THANK YOU to Justin for accompanying me and giving me his expert input. (And for thoroughly intimidating the salesman that helped us! LoL) Thanks Justin, you rock.
In other news, it's Monday and despite the gray skies, fog, and misty rain--it's been a good Monday. Most likely in part because I had a great weekend. As I mentioned in my previous entry, I got to go home. It was wonderful--hung with my dad Friday night, spent all afternoon with my mom on Saturday, and went out with a few of my favorite ladies from camp on Saturday night! On Sunday, after church, my mom and I went out for Chinese and the fortune in my fortune cookie read: "Getting together with old friends brings new adventures." Ain't that the truth! New adventures indeed. :) I love those girls--Thanks to Brooke, Mel, and Nikki for a great night (and to Matt for being such a trooper!)
And, in further news, my heart is breaking as I learn more about troops being deployed for war in Iraq. Sometimes ignorance is definitely bliss, but I can no longer ignore what's happening now that it's directly affecting someone close to me. I don't quite know how to express it... It's such a powerful combination of immobilizing fear, immense concern, and the strongest desire ever for the Lord's intervention and protection. So, to the all-powerful Lance Corporal VonBehren, while I don't have the most eloquent or articulate words to say, know that my heart and my prayers are going out for you at every thought or mention of the situation. I also have a good friend who's in the Navy and my favorite cousin is in the Army, so I really need to call those two and find out what their status is at this point.
Well, kids, that's all for now. (Hopefully I haven't left you utterly depressed...) Just smile and know that the Lord's hand is in every thing... Faith is key; trust Him.
God bless and keep on keepin' on!